From The United Irishman, February 3, 1900.


I regret to say that my attempt to exterminate and plunder the Dutch Republicans of South Africa has not been successful. Consequently my arrangements for occupying Delagoa Bay and seizing Madagascar—thus securing for me the dominion of the Indian Ocean—are off.

I have been deeply impressed by the fact that my call to the Yeomanry and Volunteers to aid me in hammering Paul has evoked a response from 6,000—including the blind and the lame—out of an available force of 190,000 men. When these gallant fellows have been instructed as to which end of a rifle shoots, and have been fully equipped with running-shoes and white flags, they will be sent as near the front as they can be prodded into going.

I am deeply grieved that a number of my English soldiers have been killed and wounded. Happily, however, my Generals have so arranged matters that for every Englishman hit three of my Irish hirelings have fallen. I have no doubt that as long as these helots are available they will be sent to do the fighting and screen my countrymen from harm.

My relations with other States continue to be friendly. Russia is preparing to seize India; France is getting ready to avenge Fashoda, and Germany is building up a fleet to wipe me off the face of the sea.

The cost of the war will be necessarily heavy. In order to encourage habits of industry and thrift in the working classes you will arrange the incidence of taxation to bear upon them. You will not, I am convinced, shrink from any outlay at the expense of the poor which may be required to preserve our Stockjobbers’ Empire from destruction.

Forty millions of my Indian serfs are starving to death in their own country. I have forwarded them £5.

May the blessing of Saturn, alias Moloch, God of our race, attend your labours!